Today I woke up crying. I was confused and sad, and I just woke up. How could that be even possible? Did I have a nightmare and I didn't remember? Did my mind spent all night overthinking while I was sleeping? I didn't understand.
I tried to calm down, but instead I kept breathing faster and faster and the feeling of sadness couldn't leave my body. I was scared and overwhelmed, like there was not even a spark of light to light up my way. So I just embraced all those sad feelings, and cried and until I didn't have any more tears. Because sometimes, you gotta listen to your body and to your feelings, and do what you think and feel you need. And crying, even if it doesn't look like it, it helps. We are complicated humans with rare needs that most times we don't even understand ourselves.
In that moment, I was a dangerous bomb of mixed emotions and confusion. Tears kept falling off my face for a long time until I finally fell asleep again, without even noticing.
The second time I woke up today, I felt different. Something had changed. Maybe my mentality or the way I was seeing things. Yea, it sounds crazy. But I could feel it. Of course I was still confused, but now I was believing on me and on my decisions, even if that was a very hard thing to do. I had to stop judging myself for every step I took and every decision I made, because everything I had ever done, it was because I needed it in a certain moment of my life. So I had to force myself to feel better, to think positively and eliminate the bad thoughts of my head in order to feel myself again.
Sometimes we just need a push or something that will make us change our mind in a different way.
I think my push was that I realised I can not be sad forever. Sadness only brings you down and it will destroy you little by little. Like, what's the point? Why should I feel like this and why do I not do anything to change it?
Of course, feelings and emotions are uncontrollable and when you feel something, you feel it and there's no more. I think it's one of the most incredible things of humans, that they can feel. Most of the times I hate it, because I am very sensitive and I feel everything with a lot of intensity, but other times I also love it. Feeling intensely and living passionately is a gift that life offers you and you definitely should accept it. Because even if it hurts sometimes, you should never stop living and feeling.
And I think that once you learn how to transform sad and overwhelming feelings into beautiful and motivational emotions, that's when you have achieved one of the keys of happiness.
I still haven't learned to do that, but I try everyday, positively, hoping that it will make me feel better, and that it will help me shaping the person I really want to become.
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